If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
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i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
this is how life feels
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.