When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
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[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract