I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
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Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
So we got a goldfish…
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
i prefer mine room temperature.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.