barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
You Might Also Like
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift