Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
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Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Sing it!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.