when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My love language is hissing.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*