I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
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Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
seems like a niche market
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.