Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
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In space, no one can hear…
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.