Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
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I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
🙁
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
At least try to make it slightly believable
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Social Media and Real life
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers