I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
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I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Finally
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
when you are just born a rebel
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah