*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
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Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard