I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
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They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
jesus christ confetti not now
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
🤣
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.