“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
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i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Autocarrot sucks!
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Those are good neighbors.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there