You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
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Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.