Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
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GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.