My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
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Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
This is Sparta
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers