Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
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Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
who will stop them
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.