*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
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*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now