How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Bobby pin
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend