[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
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When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Was it something I said?