Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
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Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Anime is real
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.