17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
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The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it