Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
You Might Also Like
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
You can’t rush stupid.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?