Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
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flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
j o i m p
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Me, flirting😏
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers