this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
You Might Also Like
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?