ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
me after eating Cheetos
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions