Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
reviewed some movies recently
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I have a type: disappointing
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.