Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
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Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.