A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
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My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.