Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
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Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.