I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
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– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.