Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
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if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.