My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
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At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”