Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.