If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
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[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
boat question
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.