[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
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Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach