Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
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Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Good news
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Not all heroes wear capes…
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
#NeverForget
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.