#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
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I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?