[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
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7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Wait a second…
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.