I hate what you’ve done with the place.
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me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
*watches the world burn*
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.