My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
You Might Also Like
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
hmm conte-me mais
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
😂😂😂
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.