Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
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“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.