[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
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mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
going to the ER y’all need anything
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target