How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
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Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.