Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
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Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.