TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
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me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
The fall of Netflix
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it