Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
You Might Also Like
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
termite twitter scares me
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Anyone want a chair?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.