Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
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[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster