Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
You Might Also Like
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
tinder is all about the long game
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?