Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.